Sorry, taking it down
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Sorry, taking it down
Nope, not outside the meeting. The reason they changed their names is so that no one knows who they know outside the order, which makes Sabe and Cyan very...different, but you'll understand why in later chapters.
Thanks for pointing everything out to me.
Let me know if you have any more questions.
LP
It was good, I was just a little confused when you changed her name to Lona, and how her personality completely changed after the challenge. I'm with Gryphon there, it sorta caught me out. Also, I thought it was a little unrealistic that she needed to be made a servant to speak with the Roi. Couldn't he have talked with her outside of a meeting?
You have to put a comma between "nodded" and "yes", it just looks awkward otherwise.
Take the comma out, it's unnecessary.
Outside is one word.
You mean wearing.
Again, you don't need the comma here.
Same thing as before.
You've changed from past to present tense and back again here, stick with one.
Again, don't put a comma before 'and'.
That should be "He was wearing a black coat."
Should be New Orleans.
That should be ran.
I'm guessing that should be without.
Again, no need for the comma, and healed should be heeled.
Take out the comma.
I'm not sure how this is meant to read.
Don't start a sentence with a dash.
Should be wing's.
Same thing here.
I had hit her Jab.
That should be: I dove for my own and scooped it up.
I had both Jabs in my hands, but Maggie somehow managed to put me back on defense.
I'm not sure how the first part's meant to read, but you don't need a comma there.
Take out the 'said'.
Should be 'were' instead of 'where'.
Should be snob.
Should be Roi.
Knees doesn't need a capital.
You don't need the comma here.
Shudder, not shutter.
It should be coiled, and you don't need the comma.
It's good though.
Whoa! *double take*
That was weird! We went from rebellious teen mutant to a subservient mutant whose foster brother's best friend is a high ranking official in her cult. *stares blankly*
That was completely unexpected. You might want to somehow lead up to that in some way that doesn't make the reader freak out as much as I did. Seriously, it went straight from foster teen drama to something out of a vampire novel or something. It was really sudden and I had a hard time trying to catch up.
Perhaps you might want to have a chapter inbetween the first and this one, outlining her life in the new surroundings. Maybe drop some hints about her secret life: acting suspicious, worrying about things. Was her not wanting to think about someone being killed (in the first chapter) part of foreshadowing to this event? If so, you might want to expand on it and add a few more before you drop the bomb like that.
Yes, I do always have French Club, which is probably a bad thing that I forgot seeing as I am the co-president and all.
I really like magic study, and I got poison study back from my sister, so you can borrow it when ever.
Thanks for looking over it. I can't post chapter three yet, because I'm out of town, but I'll get on it as soon as I'm home and settled and ect.
Ems
that's not true. you have french club, ems.
anyways, this is very.....different and interesting all in the same go. oh, to tell you, i bring IT(the book i was talking about) today and that i am re-write my vampire story over, i have an even better idea for it. see when we get back.
oh, I got Magic Study from the library.
Yeah, I'm pretty much done though. We go back from a week in Jan...after christmas...and then no more French. ...But I'll always have YWS!
LP
lol yea french 3!
No online translation, just this French 3 student blubbling through it.
Thanks for the help xhalcyonx!
LP
Yea the french could use a little bit of editing “Je vous souhaite tout le meilleur de chance dans cette mission je vous ai assigné, Lona.”
I'm only in french 3, but ill do what i can. I think you're trying to say "i wish you all better luck in this mission i assigned you." thats awkward, try "je vous souhaite beaucoup de la chance dans cette mission." that means "i wish you alot of luck in this mission" its simpler, and im almost certain the grammer is correct.
“Partir maintenant, mon contact parlera avec vous bientôt.” Do you mean "leave now, my contact will speak with you soon"? try "Partez maintenant, mon contact parlera avec vous beintot" although parlera uses a form of future that i havent learned yet, so idk if thats right, but it should be partez because it's a command.
btw, online translation sites often mess up, so its a good idea 2 ask ppl who have studied the language for help, like you have done.